little miss unsure
I was so bored today that I took out all the clothes in my closet and rearranged them. I also went to the gym... at least I'm healthy! Hehehe!! I have this notion that everyone still wants me to be a doctor... I feel that right now they think that I'm jsut taking a break but I'm not sure I see it their way.
Its so hard to break away because I feel that I'm suppose to be a doctor but I don't want to go through all that hardship. Academically speaking, i could handle med school. Its all the sacrifices that come with it. Arrrghhh!! Here I go again! Explaining myself. Why can't I just forget about it??? I've asked myself a billion times... Are the sacrifices worth it? Do I really want to work in the hospital forever? Well, it would be really great to cure people... who wouldn't want to do that... right? But there are other worlds out there! Why can't anyone be happy with whatever I choose to do? Why do they have to push me? I hate this! They should just all leave me alone and wait until I choose a path for myself.
God works in mysterious ways... Maybe its His way of showing me that in His great scheme... He planned me to do something else. I'm patient. I will wait for God to show me the way.
I told pao that I was excited to work... he said that everyone is excited to work but after a year or so... everyone gets jaded and may become unhapy or dissatisfied with their jobs. I was thinkng that aren't doctors allowed to feel that way too? They are still working, right? If one really wanted to be a doctor then their work wouldn't be really work... it would be fun for them so then it wouldn't be soo bad... But then am i one of those people? If going to med school was such a burden already and I couldn't even find the fun in it! Well then , why in the world am i allowing myslef to suffer so much if I wasn't sure that i wanted the outcome?
I wrote this in my diary when i went on LOA...
July 16, 2003
I just dropped out of medical school yesterday… This is the first time I have written anything about what has happened and what is still happening to me. Now, I’m looking for a job. I feel better now than when I was still there where I used to cry everyday and I woke up with a feeling of impending doom take over my entire body. It was my real first time to feel like the entire world was ON me. I have no way of explaining this. Everyday I felt like that. Its sad when I think about it, I only lasted for about a month! Then I went away. I don’t know what came over me.
There were so many factors involved in that moment in my life where I was so engulfed with dread and anxiety that it became a part of me. It was weird at first to cry every night then cry again in the shower when I woke up. At first I thought… Hey! Maybe it’s the dorm… it wasn’t the first time for me to live away from my own home but staying there made me sick… It felt lonely! That’s the only way I could explain it. So, I called my dad the day of the first night I slept and I told him that I wanted to go home. So, they picked me up and brought me home. That first week, I only slept there that first night. The following weeks, I only slept there at least once or a maximum of 2 times only. Yet, everyday I went to school when my parents brought me there, I felt the same way. It came to the point where I hated seeing the gates of UST. I absolutely abhorred the entire campus. I felt like my own personal hell. I put up the happy act for my parents so that they wouldn’t know what I really felt. It was terrible. I forgot my problems when the lectures started and I was with my friends but when I was alone… It all came rushing back to me like suppressed voices in my head… all those feelings of dread, loneliness, confusion, and even anger. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I didn’t know why I was feeling like that. It was even worse when I started to buy my medical books because that for me felt incredibly final. I even cried at that!!! I couldn’t bear it. On the very first day of the orientation, almost all the doctors asked if everyone was sure of what they were doing here. I said to myself… I’m not. I’ve always followed what my parents told me so that’s why I’m here. It felt that everyone expected me to be one so that’s why I am here... right now at this very minute listening to those doctors ask the very question that I was scared to ask myself. I had no drive… I envied my other classmates for being so enthusiastic in the midst of everything… I knew med school would be hard… but I wasn’t expecting what came to me… so combined with all those feelings plus this… I got scared… it overwhelmed me! I couldn’t breath… everytime I woke up… I had to gasp for breath, I felt like someone was choking me.
I didn’t want to tell my parents… I didn’t want to stop because I knew they were counting on me and I knew this would make me happy. I was at odds with myself… I knew I couldn’t go on like this… I wanted to stop… even for just awhile… But then, I really really didn’t want to tell my mom and dad. When classes started june 9, I told my mom about it during the second day of orientation and we decided that I should stay the semester…. But I was really really suffering already. I couldn’t read my textbook without stopping every once in a while to break down in tears. That’s how worse my situation was. So, I carried on… In couldn’t tell them because I know they worked so hard to get me to med school… and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that MY heart wasn’t in it. The tuition fee is so expensive! And I kept telling myself that everyone doesn’t get the opportunity that I now have. I should take advantage of it… But my spirit was dying and along with it my physical body… everyday before I slept, I prayed to God to give me the strength to survive. But I didn’t want it to be like that. I wanted it to be fun. It was far from that… Fun was not in the same galaxy as I was. I remember during the first week, everytime I walked to my dorm by myself… tears would just fall down my cheeks.. Yup! While walking within the UST campus, I would cry. (because my dorm was inside the campus) It was like UST wouldn’t let me go… I didn’t want to hate the campus because it was beautiful… but it was hell in my eyes. I kept telling myself that I have a great life here… my dorm was clean and had all the accommodations anyone could ever ask for. I was in med school! I’m going to be a doctor! I should have been really really happy but I wasn’t, I was far from it.
July 6 was a Sunday… the moment I woke up… I cried. I cried because I would be going back to school the next day. I couldn’t bear it any longer, every single part of me told me to tell my parents… but I got sick everytime I thought of it. By lunch time, I gave in… I asked my mom to come to my room and I told her that I couldn’t bear it any longer… I was crying and crying but I still didn’t want to tell my dad because I couldn’t… I wouldn’t let him down. But in the middle of my crying my dad entered my room because he heard my crying… he was surprised and asked me why… he said did was it the dorm? Did I want to leave? I wish it were just that… So, I had to tell him… tell him how I felt… It hurt like hell. I knew I broke my parents hearts… I hated myself at this point for being so weak… I told them everything I felt. How I suffered but I didn’t want to stop. I had an exam the next day so I tried to study… everytime I tried to focus… I cried. I was so frustrated with myself. I couldn’t study… and frankly it came to a point where I didn’t care so much if I did fail it.
My parents are so understanding. They told me to stop already because if it wasn’t fun then I shouldn’t be there. That I shouldn’t go into something half heartedly… it would only be a useless thing to do. That they would help me find what I really wanted to do.. since they would be happy where I’m happy. I told them that I didn’t know.
For that entire week… I didn’t go to school… It was my soul-searching period where I took a breather from med school. My parents helped me choose another path… another option I could if I decided to leave med school for the year. We analyzed and talked things through. Thursday night, I broke up with pao. I was so decided already to leave and he wanted to change my mind again! I couldn’t take it. It took all my strength to decide and to go through another decision making process was just too much for me. I wanted to think of it on my own. I just wanted to dig deep and find out what I really want to do. And I knew that I wanted to get out.
On Friday, I went to UST to submit my LOA letter. My mom cried when we explained that I wanted to LOA… he gave me the dropping forms but told me to think about it first so I decided to keep it first. And think about it over the weekend.
On Tuesday, I went back to UST with pao to drop everything… and it was the worst thing I did that I wanted to do. I didn’t want my parents to go because I think they’ve been through enough. So… on July 15, 2003. I was officially out of med school and uncertain of what to do. I was floating.
Although I was out and I did it… I still carry with me all those feelings. It didn’t go away… it just subsided (for the moment, I think) I know that someday I’ll have to face it again.. just not now… not when I’ve had enough.
That was all in my diary....
All those feeling I mentioned, I still feel. The thought of going back... I don't know... I have to really want to be a doctor. The strength to want to be on is what I'm looking for right now.
Its so hard to break away because I feel that I'm suppose to be a doctor but I don't want to go through all that hardship. Academically speaking, i could handle med school. Its all the sacrifices that come with it. Arrrghhh!! Here I go again! Explaining myself. Why can't I just forget about it??? I've asked myself a billion times... Are the sacrifices worth it? Do I really want to work in the hospital forever? Well, it would be really great to cure people... who wouldn't want to do that... right? But there are other worlds out there! Why can't anyone be happy with whatever I choose to do? Why do they have to push me? I hate this! They should just all leave me alone and wait until I choose a path for myself.
God works in mysterious ways... Maybe its His way of showing me that in His great scheme... He planned me to do something else. I'm patient. I will wait for God to show me the way.
I told pao that I was excited to work... he said that everyone is excited to work but after a year or so... everyone gets jaded and may become unhapy or dissatisfied with their jobs. I was thinkng that aren't doctors allowed to feel that way too? They are still working, right? If one really wanted to be a doctor then their work wouldn't be really work... it would be fun for them so then it wouldn't be soo bad... But then am i one of those people? If going to med school was such a burden already and I couldn't even find the fun in it! Well then , why in the world am i allowing myslef to suffer so much if I wasn't sure that i wanted the outcome?
I wrote this in my diary when i went on LOA...
July 16, 2003
I just dropped out of medical school yesterday… This is the first time I have written anything about what has happened and what is still happening to me. Now, I’m looking for a job. I feel better now than when I was still there where I used to cry everyday and I woke up with a feeling of impending doom take over my entire body. It was my real first time to feel like the entire world was ON me. I have no way of explaining this. Everyday I felt like that. Its sad when I think about it, I only lasted for about a month! Then I went away. I don’t know what came over me.
There were so many factors involved in that moment in my life where I was so engulfed with dread and anxiety that it became a part of me. It was weird at first to cry every night then cry again in the shower when I woke up. At first I thought… Hey! Maybe it’s the dorm… it wasn’t the first time for me to live away from my own home but staying there made me sick… It felt lonely! That’s the only way I could explain it. So, I called my dad the day of the first night I slept and I told him that I wanted to go home. So, they picked me up and brought me home. That first week, I only slept there that first night. The following weeks, I only slept there at least once or a maximum of 2 times only. Yet, everyday I went to school when my parents brought me there, I felt the same way. It came to the point where I hated seeing the gates of UST. I absolutely abhorred the entire campus. I felt like my own personal hell. I put up the happy act for my parents so that they wouldn’t know what I really felt. It was terrible. I forgot my problems when the lectures started and I was with my friends but when I was alone… It all came rushing back to me like suppressed voices in my head… all those feelings of dread, loneliness, confusion, and even anger. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I didn’t know why I was feeling like that. It was even worse when I started to buy my medical books because that for me felt incredibly final. I even cried at that!!! I couldn’t bear it. On the very first day of the orientation, almost all the doctors asked if everyone was sure of what they were doing here. I said to myself… I’m not. I’ve always followed what my parents told me so that’s why I’m here. It felt that everyone expected me to be one so that’s why I am here... right now at this very minute listening to those doctors ask the very question that I was scared to ask myself. I had no drive… I envied my other classmates for being so enthusiastic in the midst of everything… I knew med school would be hard… but I wasn’t expecting what came to me… so combined with all those feelings plus this… I got scared… it overwhelmed me! I couldn’t breath… everytime I woke up… I had to gasp for breath, I felt like someone was choking me.
I didn’t want to tell my parents… I didn’t want to stop because I knew they were counting on me and I knew this would make me happy. I was at odds with myself… I knew I couldn’t go on like this… I wanted to stop… even for just awhile… But then, I really really didn’t want to tell my mom and dad. When classes started june 9, I told my mom about it during the second day of orientation and we decided that I should stay the semester…. But I was really really suffering already. I couldn’t read my textbook without stopping every once in a while to break down in tears. That’s how worse my situation was. So, I carried on… In couldn’t tell them because I know they worked so hard to get me to med school… and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that MY heart wasn’t in it. The tuition fee is so expensive! And I kept telling myself that everyone doesn’t get the opportunity that I now have. I should take advantage of it… But my spirit was dying and along with it my physical body… everyday before I slept, I prayed to God to give me the strength to survive. But I didn’t want it to be like that. I wanted it to be fun. It was far from that… Fun was not in the same galaxy as I was. I remember during the first week, everytime I walked to my dorm by myself… tears would just fall down my cheeks.. Yup! While walking within the UST campus, I would cry. (because my dorm was inside the campus) It was like UST wouldn’t let me go… I didn’t want to hate the campus because it was beautiful… but it was hell in my eyes. I kept telling myself that I have a great life here… my dorm was clean and had all the accommodations anyone could ever ask for. I was in med school! I’m going to be a doctor! I should have been really really happy but I wasn’t, I was far from it.
July 6 was a Sunday… the moment I woke up… I cried. I cried because I would be going back to school the next day. I couldn’t bear it any longer, every single part of me told me to tell my parents… but I got sick everytime I thought of it. By lunch time, I gave in… I asked my mom to come to my room and I told her that I couldn’t bear it any longer… I was crying and crying but I still didn’t want to tell my dad because I couldn’t… I wouldn’t let him down. But in the middle of my crying my dad entered my room because he heard my crying… he was surprised and asked me why… he said did was it the dorm? Did I want to leave? I wish it were just that… So, I had to tell him… tell him how I felt… It hurt like hell. I knew I broke my parents hearts… I hated myself at this point for being so weak… I told them everything I felt. How I suffered but I didn’t want to stop. I had an exam the next day so I tried to study… everytime I tried to focus… I cried. I was so frustrated with myself. I couldn’t study… and frankly it came to a point where I didn’t care so much if I did fail it.
My parents are so understanding. They told me to stop already because if it wasn’t fun then I shouldn’t be there. That I shouldn’t go into something half heartedly… it would only be a useless thing to do. That they would help me find what I really wanted to do.. since they would be happy where I’m happy. I told them that I didn’t know.
For that entire week… I didn’t go to school… It was my soul-searching period where I took a breather from med school. My parents helped me choose another path… another option I could if I decided to leave med school for the year. We analyzed and talked things through. Thursday night, I broke up with pao. I was so decided already to leave and he wanted to change my mind again! I couldn’t take it. It took all my strength to decide and to go through another decision making process was just too much for me. I wanted to think of it on my own. I just wanted to dig deep and find out what I really want to do. And I knew that I wanted to get out.
On Friday, I went to UST to submit my LOA letter. My mom cried when we explained that I wanted to LOA… he gave me the dropping forms but told me to think about it first so I decided to keep it first. And think about it over the weekend.
On Tuesday, I went back to UST with pao to drop everything… and it was the worst thing I did that I wanted to do. I didn’t want my parents to go because I think they’ve been through enough. So… on July 15, 2003. I was officially out of med school and uncertain of what to do. I was floating.
Although I was out and I did it… I still carry with me all those feelings. It didn’t go away… it just subsided (for the moment, I think) I know that someday I’ll have to face it again.. just not now… not when I’ve had enough.
That was all in my diary....
All those feeling I mentioned, I still feel. The thought of going back... I don't know... I have to really want to be a doctor. The strength to want to be on is what I'm looking for right now.
posted by Anma @ 10:03 PM
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